“This seems easy,” I thought to myself as I stared at my computer screen, reading the wisdom deposited there by the internet. I had spent the morning suffering through more discomfort than I appreciated, so I typed my symptoms into the all-knowing Google. I could have made an appointment at my doctor’s office, but my husband just so happened to be in the middle of a root canal, and that seemed like enough money and time for our family unit to spend on professionals.
Drinking a large glass of water with baking soda in it was the least offensive experience on my to do list, so I started there. I am a fan of baking soda when it is in cakes and baked goods. In water, I can’t recommend it. Knowing that I would dump it down the drain if I didn’t enjoy it, I decided to drink the entire glass in one gulp. I’ve definitely had worse beverages, but soda water will now be placed on my list of unfortunate drink choices.
Barely recovered from the soda water, I followed the next step of drinking cream of tartar and lemon mixed into water, and it wasn’t too bad. Again, I one-gulped it.
Feeling encouraged, I proceed to the next step which was to snack on a handful of celery seeds. I’ve since double checked, and the anonymous genius on the computer screen definitely advised that I snack on a handful of celery seeds. Being the good sport that I was, I tossed back the handful of mouth poison with careless abandon. Maybe I could have just swallowed the tiny celery-grenades, but the internet had clearly said to snack on them. In my mind, snacking involves chewing. So I chewed. And that is when my mouth wanted to jump out of my face. My mouth would have been ecstatic if it had been told at that moment that it no longer had to participate in the human it had been assigned.
I blame me mostly. I am a grown adult. I have a moderately commendable intelligence. I decided of my own free will to participate in medicinal roulette.
But I also blame the internet for being full of devious pranksters.