Month: April 2016

Celery Grenades

“This seems easy,” I thought to myself as I stared at my computer screen, reading the wisdom deposited there by the internet. I had spent the morning suffering through more discomfort than I appreciated, so I typed my symptoms into the all-knowing Google. I could have made an appointment at my doctor’s office, but my husband just so happened to be in the middle of a root canal, and that seemed like enough money and time for our family unit to spend on professionals.

Drinking a large glass of water with baking soda in it was the least offensive experience on my to do list, so I started healththere. I am a fan of baking soda when it is in cakes and baked goods. In water, I can’t recommend it. Knowing that I would dump it down the drain if I didn’t enjoy it, I decided to drink the entire glass in one gulp. I’ve definitely had worse beverages, but soda water will now be placed on my list of unfortunate drink choices.

Barely recovered from the soda water, I followed the next step of drinking cream of tartar and lemon mixed into water, and it wasn’t too bad. Again, I one-gulped it.

Feeling encouraged, I proceed to the next step which was to snack on a handful of celery seeds. I’ve since double checked, and the anonymous genius on the computer screen definitely advised that I snack on a handful of celery seeds. Being the good sport that I was, I tossed back the handful of mouth poison with careless abandon. Maybe I could have just swallowed the tiny celery-grenades, but the internet had clearly said to snack on them. In my mind, snacking involves chewing. So I chewed. And that is when my mouth wanted to jump out of my face. My mouth would have been ecstatic if it had been told at that moment that it no longer had to participate in the human it had been assigned.

I blame me mostly. I am a grown adult. I have a moderately commendable intelligence. I decided of my own free will to participate in medicinal roulette.

But I also blame the internet for being full of devious pranksters.


All In A Day

Emotions are strong on your daughter’s wedding day. Or so I’m told. When your daughter gives you two weeks to prepare for her spontaneous wedding, emotions go on strike. Then they attack in pummeling waves. And it just alternates between the numb get this event planned stage to the debilitating grab my sweet girl and hug all day stage.

Life changes fast.

Before Makenna turned our world upside down with her why not get married now philosophy, it seemed like a good idea for us to get a puppy. A couple of things about that: 1. It is probably never a good idea to get a puppy unless you hate peace and all the furniture you own, 2. I still don’t really know how I got talked into getting a puppy because I recall saying NO in an authoritative voice. But, then a conversation happened that went something like this:

“The breeder called today and needed the deposit for the puppy, so I paid it and told him we want a male,” Mike said as we sat down to supper.

“Wait, did we decide to get a puppy?” I asked. “I thought you went and looked with Makenna because she was going to get a puppy.”

“I thought so too. But when the breeder called he said he was keeping one back just for us, and it sounded like he had talked to you because he knew just what we wanted.”

“I didn’t tell him we wanted one.”

“Oh boy,” Mike rubbed his forehead. “The deposit is non-refundable.”

“Is it a red and white husky?” Emery asked, nearly dancing while sitting in her chair.

“I can’t wait to get him! I love him already,” Drake said.

“I guess we are getting a puppy,” I said, exhibiting the will power of a two-year-old.

As chances would have it, the date we needed to pick up the puppy was the very same date Makenna chose for her wedding. Being optimistic people, we decided this was not a problem.

On a snowy afternoon, we arrived at the tropical Botanical Gardens in Des Moines and witnessed Makenna marry Tyler in a simple “walk-in” ceremony. It was perfect.

Life changes fast.

“I know this is a sensitive day, but I have to tell you something,” Mike said as he grabbed my hand on the gpa n b&wway to the car after an emotional good-by to Makenna and Tyler. “Your grandpa fell and hit his head. It is serious. You are going to Texas right now with your mom and dad.”

“What?” I could hardly make sense of the words he said.

“I know it is a lot to process, but you need to go to Texas and see your grandpa. You’ll buy clothes and stuff on the way.”

“But, I want to be with Emery and Drake when we get the puppy. And Grandpa…” but I couldn’t finish that sentence.

Mom explained the details of Grandpa’s fall as I sat in the backseat of her car, still dressed for a wedding. As Dad drove toward Texas I forced my brain to switch from wedding mentality to hospital mentality. I asked questions and Mom answered them for about an hour. Then she got the call. The one that said it was too late. Grandpa didn’t make it. He was gone.

Dad pulled the car to the side of the road and we cried and prayed. And cried. And prayed. When he was capable, Dad silently resumed driving. The only sound in the car was sniffling.

“Wait,” Dad said after driving for an hour or a minute or a day or something like that, “why am I still driving to Texas?”

“That’s right,” Mom said. “We don’t need to go to Texas anymore.”

So he turned the car around, and the only sound in the car was sniffling.

“Wait,” Dad said after driving for an hour or a minute or a day or something like that, “why am I driving to Des Moines? None of us live there anymore.”

“That’s right,” Mom said. “Where should we be going?”

Because we didn’t know where to go and none of us were capable of making sound decisions, we decidedRiggins puppy to go to Omaha and stay at the house Mike, Drake, Emery and I had moved into a week earlier. I showed Mom and Dad where they could sleep and told them the coffee maker was still packed. Ten minutes later, Mike arrived with the kids and a puppy.

Life changes fast.